A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:
- "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language:
- "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said:
- "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said: "You know how fast you were going BOY?!?"
Bob thought for a second and asked: "Uhhh, over 55?"
"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring him, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion: "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at the Bob and said: "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob recanted: "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said: "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"
"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?!?", asked the patrolman.
"I'm an asshole stretcher!"
Of course the cop asked: "What does an asshole stretcher do?"
Bob explained: "People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked: "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?"
Bob nonchalantly commented: "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"
A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his bike. The cop says to the kid:
- "Nice bike you got there. Santa bring that to you?"
- "Yeah."
- "Tell Santa next year to put a taillight on that bike."
- "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
- "Yeah."
- "Well, tell Santa next year to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
The mother of a 17 year old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh: "Mum, you don't have to worry about! I'm dating Susan!"
Sardar was busy removing a wheel from
his auto. A man asks sardar why
are you removing a wheel from your auto.
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.
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Hindi Sardar Joke
Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with "T".
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.
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Boss : Where were you born ?
sardar : Punjab.
Boss : which part ?
sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.
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How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ?
Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree ." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, " This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, " Riding
a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills both of them!
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replies, "My bike. "