There was a flood in a village. One man said to everyone: "I'll stay! God will save me!"
The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said: "Come on mate, get in!" "No" replied the man. God will save me!
The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house. A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help." No, God will save me!" he said.
Eventually he died by drowning.
He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!"
One day a cat loses its ninth life causes and goes to heaven.
There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again the Lord them and makes the same offer.
The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could fit us with roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "No problem" and suddenly each mouse has a beautiful pair of roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing happily on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes him and asks, "How are things since you are here?"
The cat slowly stretches out his legs. "It’s wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected.” he replies, “And those Meals On Wheels you keep sending by are absolutely brilliant!!!"
Three ducks were sitting at a bar and the bartender came over to the first duck and says: "What’s your name and what've you been doing?"
The duck says: "my names Heuie and I’ve been jumping in puddles."
Then the bartender goes over to the second duck and asks: "What’s your name and what've you been doing?"
The second duck says: "My names Duie and I’ve been jumping in puddles."
Then the bartender goes over to the last duck and says: "Don’t tell me your name is Louie and you’ve been jumping in puddles."
The duck replies: "No, my names Puddles and I’ve been having a bad day!!!"
Little Johnny asks:
- Daddy, how was I born?
- Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!
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