A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:
- "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language:
- "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said:
- "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said: "You know how fast you were going BOY?!?"
Bob thought for a second and asked: "Uhhh, over 55?"
"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring him, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion: "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at the Bob and said: "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob recanted: "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said: "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"
"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?!?", asked the patrolman.
"I'm an asshole stretcher!"
Of course the cop asked: "What does an asshole stretcher do?"
Bob explained: "People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked: "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?"
Bob nonchalantly commented: "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"
A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his bike. The cop says to the kid:
- "Nice bike you got there. Santa bring that to you?"
- "Yeah."
- "Tell Santa next year to put a taillight on that bike."
- "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
- "Yeah."
- "Well, tell Santa next year to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."