Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said: "You know how fast you were going BOY?!?"
Bob thought for a second and asked: "Uhhh, over 55?"
"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring him, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion: "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at the Bob and said: "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob recanted: "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said: "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"
"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?!?", asked the patrolman.
"I'm an asshole stretcher!"
Of course the cop asked: "What does an asshole stretcher do?"
Bob explained: "People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked: "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?"
Bob nonchalantly commented: "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"
A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his bike. The cop says to the kid:
- "Nice bike you got there. Santa bring that to you?"
- "Yeah."
- "Tell Santa next year to put a taillight on that bike."
- "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
- "Yeah."
- "Well, tell Santa next year to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
